I was emailing with Gina yesterday and she asked: "How are you feeling?". A loaded question at this point in time, unfortunately. Here is my answer:

I'm ok, I guess, thanks for asking. I'm beginning to feel alot of guilt in regard to my mother; I didn't visit her enough, I never bought that Chantico from Starbucks for her cause I kept thinking, "Oh, I'll get it next time" and then time ran out, I'm relieved I don't have to go to that damn nursing home anymore, I didn't stay the day she died and she died just two hours after I left, alone. I hate that.
And then I took Dad & the dogs to the beach Saturday, and Dad walked too far, got tired very suddenly and actually fell, thankfully it was on the sand. He recovered his breath and was able to get up and walk back to the car. Now I just keep waiting for him to keel over...sigh... Aren't you glad you asked?

In part, she answered: "...Someday, you'll realize you did the best you could, and dwelling on that stuff is not going to do you any good..."

She also said: "And I am glad I asked how you are. When I ask, I mean it. I don't want to hear "oh, I'm fine, how are you" or some shallow-assed comment if how you actually feel is damn crappy. I'll take you crappy or happy."

So many people do want to hear "Oh, I'm fine", though. They ask how you are out of politeness, but they certainly don't want you to answer by saying, "Well, actually, not so good." as that would entail a conversation which, a. isn't mainly about them, or b. they don't have the time for.

Anyway, I digress. Smart, kind girl, that Gina! I'm glad to have her as a friend :-)

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I'm glad you were able to give Gina your honest answer. I almost always want to know the truth when I ask that question.

Thinking of you.

I'm happy to have you as a friend too, Janet. *kiss*

It is so easy to fall into the guilt trap. You did the best you could do for your Mom and she knows it. We all know it too! There is always something we wished we had done differently.
Live today the best way you can because that is really what we all have to work with, yesterday is in the past, we can't change it and tomorrow isn't here yet. Love Ya!

Well, I think deep down I know you arent doing "well".....but its your choice to share or not to share....... its certainly understandable if you dont want to talk about it.
Just know that if you do, there are people out there who would listen.....and you know best who those people are.....

When I ask? I always want the real answer. "I'm fine" really isn't going to fly any longer. :)

I am glad to see you writing a bit about how you feel, I bet you find you are not alone and that even those who have not been through what you have, can offer support and comfort in some way.

Hang in there.

i can always handle the truth IF you want to talk or ramble or anything of that sort. i hope tomorrow is a better day...one day at a time. you are a good daughter to have taken your dad out, i bet he was so glad to get to do that with you! ...HUGS and HUGS and more HUGS...or whatever you need right now. xoxox

I like it best when people answer honestly because then I feel more comfortable sharing with them my true self. I makes me feel restricted when I can't be honest that today, well I'm feeling shitty.

Enough about me :P I think it's good to get all those feelings out. I don't have any wise advice but I think the more you talk about your feelings about your mom the best.

I feel the same way about my grandfather too... and then I feel horribly guilty like what kind of person thinks that... I just hope it's normal.

it's okay to feel that way, some people would say it's healthy. i just know it's better to let those feelings out. talk them through... whether with a person just on paper. i always find talking things through helps.

you have a pretty good support group around you... use them. that's what we're all here for. =)

Gina said it better than I could of. I'm glad you had that talk with someone.

I'm glad your opening up your feelings more on your blog. I hope your blog finds you theraputic :)and of course you always have your friends :)

I am really glad that you have a good friend like that. I am also happy to hear that you are having those guilt feelings as that means you are perfectly normal and going through the normal grieving process. As time goes on I truly believe that the wonderful, special memories will be the ones that stick with you.