My Sacred Life
Day 14

I want a new drug
One that does what it should
One that won't make me feel too bad
One that won't make me feel too good

I went to see my new doctor this past Monday...0730, in my world, the @$$ crack of dawn. This is the first time we've met, and oh my...the news is NOT good, people.

I gained 20 pounds in six months. TWENTY. POUNDS. And I was fat before! Holy COW and I do mean COW. So my doctor and I, we talked about this weight gain. I said I know I should eat better and work out, but I can't bring myself to do either. She asked why and I said...um...I don't know? Standard answer for when I really don't want to delve deeper into why. But she picked and prodded, no easy task when it comes to me; a typical Cancerian with a THICK shell and very accustomed to side stepping and burying my head.

Here's the truth: I know I need to lose weight...but I'm embarrassed to go to the gym. Why? Cause I'm fat & ugly and I figure the people at the gym will laugh at me. They will laugh and snicker and think to themselves: "Why does she want to lose weight? She's so ugly it doesn't matter if she's 100 pounds or 300 pounds. Ugly is ugly." Yup. That's what I think.

I'd like to be able to think that people would think to themselves *sounds of crickets chirping*, i.e., they're not thinking of me at all, which is probably the case...and maybe this new medication will help.

Cause you know what? Ugly or not, my weight is not healthy and I'm of an age now where I need to really do something about it. So maybe I can go to the gym with the attitude that I need to lose weight to be healthy...yeah, that's it!

Wish me luck?

Also, don't forget...it's Wednesday and you know what that means...time for What Is It Wednesday! Have you played?

Janet, you are NOT ugly!!!! I wish you didn't feel that way inside. :(
And personally, I don't like gyms and rarely use them to lose weight or get into shape.

But! good luck with this new plan, I'll be thinking aboutcha! And remember, you are NOT ugly, girl. The pirates are going to tie you up and the beatings will continue until your morale improves.

Or else we'll make you walk the plank blindfolded, until you yell out "ok!! I AM and deserve to FEEL, Beautiful!!!!"

Gawd, I love pirates.... ;)

i hate going to the gym for the same reason as you! i hope whatever they gave you will help! good for you for taking care of yourself by even going to the dr!

I don't know if this is going to help or not... I'm not the skinniest girl in the world (by FAR), but I'm an avid gym rat. I go almost every day. I do wish I was a skinny girl, but I'm content to workout to earn my bad food and beer on the weekends and I'm not going to kill myself just so I look like I should be in a magazine. :-)

The trick is to find a gym that's not a Beautiful People gym, you know what I mean? Normal folk like us don't wanna look at supermodels working out. Also? I see plenty of people who obviously start out with the same fears you do. But a lot of times these people will figure out that a smile goes a long way. You've gotta come in with an attitude and see it as an opportunity to meet new people. They start to recognize you and that's cool because you feel welcome.

Also, I highly suggest a personal trainer to start (I've done it twice). But if you're nervous about the gym, maybe try setting up sessions with them on the weekends when there's less people around? Just until you get more comfortable.

Be brave! We're all worried about what people might think in the gym, even the girls who we'd think are skinny are wondering if we're thinking their cellulite is showing in their workout shorts. ;-)

Oh honey. I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel.

But 20 pounds in 6 months is not about diet and exercise. Something has shifted in your metabolism. Are you under more stress? Are you taking different meds? Are you drinking more? Eating differently? Did you slip into some hormonal change?

I like atpanda's advice, but I also think you need a better doctor. My doctor would never say that crap to me. If she was MY doctor, I'd look at her and ask her how she is going to HELP me not JUDGE me. Fuck her. I cannot believe she wouldn't ask you about your metabolism. That's almost malpractice!

Anyway, I have a bunch of references on this from working in the Open Grove for such a long time - shoot me an email if you're interested.

I wish you a lot of luck

...but mostly I wish you would stop beating yourself up.

Janet, I know some very beautiful people in the "looks department" that are the ugliest people I have ever come in contact because of their attitude, personality and actions.

and just for the record - I need to lose about 20-25 lbs and I hate the gym too. Not because Im worried about what people will say - but because Im a lazy ass.

Hugs

I am joining a gym this month, and I really don't care if the little Barbie and Ken dolls stare at me...I am older and have more insurance....Towanda!

Janet, you are far beautiful than any woman I know simply because you are thoughtful, eccentric, unique, witty, and a sexy red head! Believe it. It's true!

I wish you much pirate passion of attacking ye old elliptical, and looking at those that be of skin and bones, saying ARRRRRRRR. I will be doing the same thing matey!

Now, no more saying ye be ugly...ARRRR...none of that poppet, or I be sending over Capt. Jack to spank ye arse!

I have gone to the gym...I need to start going again...and I am overweight and have a hard time stickign to a diet (I like the Shangri-la diet though...and it's not a diet that leaves you hungry, I feel full) I'll tell ya something....everyone at the gym is trying to alter their shape or maintain...and most of the oens I saw were overweight like all of us!

Try it, you might be surprised by human nature that they can actually be nicer...or you know what? They might be so wrapped up in their own world and problems...they won't even notice you!

I'll go to the gym if you do...

:)

Go for it girl! It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks...this is about saving your life! You deserve this and I believe in you.

Girl, if you say you are ugly one more time, I'm going to come all the way over there and kick your ass! You are NOT ugly. Say it with me. I, Janet, am a beautiful person. Say it 50 times a day.

As I told you, piss on anyone that judges you. If you are at the gym working out, you are taking care of yourself and that should make you proud.

I agree with finding a non-meat-market gym. Do you have a YMCA in your area? Those are usually tame. I also agree with the personal trainer thing. It keeps you on track and gives you the much needed motivation.

Okay, I've hijacked your comments for long enough, but I felt very passionate about this.

Being a cute fat girl I understand all the feeling you mention. I hate going to the gym AND the doctor...the doctor specifically because I hate hearing once again how I need to lose thirty pounds (yes, that's right thirty).

Don't be too hard on yourself. When I see and overweight person at my gym or jogging in my neighborhood, my first thought is always, "you go girl" or "you go boy" because it know how hard it is to put yourself out there and I admire those who do.

I started jogging this year and, at first, I would only do it when it was dark and no one would see me. Then, after falling off a couple of curbs and an almost near fatal crash into a mailbox, I said f*ck it and hit the streets in the light of day.

Jesus, I could have written this. Peas in a pod we are.

Oh I hate it when you say things like this about yourself! Why don't you go to the gym I use to go to? I'll give you in the info, and it's very intimate, and a smalll group of people, really nothing to fear and all woman...no cattiness or anything. I think you would like it :)

I hope this helps give you the pep that you need. I also agree with Open Grove Claudia too - did your doctor check your thyroid and do any other blood work? I would follow up on that as well. Most of all whether this medication helps you get to the gym or not I hope it helps you feel better about you and who you are - going to the gym would probably do that too but since I avoid the gym like the plague I don't want to harp on go go go to the gym and then be a big ole hippocrite.

Janet, when you're around me and my friends, anyone who says something negative about themselves then is forced to say 3-5 positive things about themselves. Considering how many negative statements you made about yourself in this one post alone, you probably need to say 20 positive things about yourself!!!!

You are so not ugly! Please don't allow yourself to feel that way.

I struggle with my weight as well, and Joe's frequently nagging me because he loves me and wants me to be healthy, but I have finally put my foot down and refuse to discuss diet or my weight with him. It's my issue and something I've got to work on, and it's no one else's problem. You know you can e-mail me any time, right?

Love you!!!

Put on some music and dance! Or put a trampoline in your back yard like mine. I hate going to a gym. It reminds me of being back in school.

Ah yes. The @$$ crack of dawn. One of my very favorites. =P
LOL!

Feh. You're not ugly. I wish we lived in the same town 'cause I could sure use someone to workout with. Because I have no motivation on my own. :p

Anyway, I still have us in my calendar for a walk in the park/woods next month. So don't forget!

(((((Janet)))))

While I hope the meds do what you want, I also wonder, does exercise have to mean a gym? Couldn't you maybe go walking every day, or biking, or hell, put on some tunes and dance your ass off around your living room! Of course, just because all that sounds more fun to me than going to a gym, it might not to you, so if it sounds awful, forget I mentioned it! :-)

And like some others have mentioned, I wonder if the doctor did any bloodwork or anything to see if there's a reason those 20 lbs went on so fast. If not, she should!

I wish we lived close enough for you to go walking with me every day. :-)

Anyone who would laugh at you at the gym is UGLY ON THE INSIDE, which is a thousand times worse that being a few lbs over weight. Those types are not worthy of your concern. I'm sorry you're feeling badly, and I DO understand your trepidation--been there myself. Good luck with the life changes! Some folks will be rooting for you--not laughing. :)