I read, in Joan Didion's book, The Year of Magical Thinking (which was recommended to me by three people after my Mom passed away), a passage she quoted from Emily Post's 1922 etiquette book, of what one goes through after the death of a loved one:

"Persons under the shock of genuine afflication are not only upset mentally but are all unblalanced physically. No matter how calm and controlled they seemingly may be, no one can, under such circumstances, be normal. Their disturbed circulation makes them cold, their distress makes them unstrung, sleepless. Persons they normally like, they often turn from. No one should ever be forced upon those in grief, and all over-emotional people, no matter how near or dear, should be barred absolutely. Although the knowledge that their friends love them and sorrow for them is a great solace, the nearest afflicted must be protected from any one or anything which is likely to overstrain nerves already at the threatening point, and none have the right to feel hurt if they are told they can neither be of use or be received. At such time, to some people companionship is a comfort, others shrink from their dearest friends."

I talked about this recently with my friend, Diane, who lost her Mom when she was in her 20s. Diane said almost the same thing, that "...none have the right to feel hurt if they are told they can neither be of use or be received."

I'd find that very hard to deal with, DID find it very hard to understand when one of my best friends lost her father suddenly. Her husband called me to tell me about it, and at the time, I was hurt. Now, having gone through losing my mother, I completely understand. I didn't call her on it, I was just there for her, but that's just me.

Two people that used to be friends of mine thought that the appropriate time to either end our friendship or to complain about their lot in life was during or just after my mother's memorial service. That, of course, is their perogative, but I find it insensitive, cold, callous and uncaring. I just hope when they go through something as traumatic as losing a parent that they have warm, caring, unselfish friends to see them through it.

They'll need it. I did, and I'm thankful to my friends who understand that it's not all about them, 24/7.

I have not lost a parent and so I can only just imagine how painful it must be.
I have been grieving for your Mom. I have dreampt about her twice since she died. I cherish the very sweet and special memories I have of her.
Love You Jan!

I read that passage last night and was struck by it. Mostly by the truth in it. And then by the discussion about how people used to be able to grieve, but now it's socially unacceptable. And the waves? I understand the waves. Sometimes, I still miss my grandfather immensely, and it's almost been a year since he passed.

What am I trying to say? I guess that things get better, but they will never be the same. Which is meant to be comforting somehow.

P.S. You know where to find me if you need to talk.

I lost both my parents, I help my mother nurse my father for two years so it wasn't a shock when he breathed his last. We all welcomed his release, however, I was here in Quebec City when my mother passed away, suddenly in the space of one heartbeat, I'd lost a friend and, a parent. And was devastated my family didn't give me time to come home for the cremation. Especially when she had wanted burial. :-(

I talk to my mother a lot these days. To me, she's still alive in my heart.

Here's to good friends, Janet, who know what you need without you having to tell them.

Amaingly appropriate photo for an amazingly well written post. Grief like so much else in our lives can be so complex. I think you put it perfectly when you said, "I was just there for her". There are so many ways quiet subtle ways that we can be there for others in a time of need. There is a time for "Me" and then there is a time for others. With true friendship and connectedness, the Me very easily disappears when another is in pain or need. Sometimes just sitting, drinking tea or a hot toddie, not speaking at all can be a wonderous support.

What? You mean its not all about me?

This time is all about you, your family, and your mom. You need to grieve. It's a natural part of the healing process. You don't ever move on, it's more of your life changing. By grieving, you are feeling and taking in all of the memories of your mother, and she lives on through you.

As your friends, we are there to help you, whether it be to listen, distract you, be a shoulder to cry on, etc... Personally, I don't feel the need to be called upon. I'm just there for my friends as are you. I figure that they have so much going on that they may not think of asking. Or it could be as simple as they don't want to bother anyone.

Anyone that can make this about them or does not understand that this is a hard time does not deserve your friendship. I'd actually question their ability to be a good friend. Friendships are give and take, but when times get tough a friend will be there no matter what... All feelings put aside and just focusing on the issue at hand.

That's just my opinion anyway...

:( I'm sorry to hear that your friends decided to tell you at such an inopportune time. I think people who are grieving need special care and attention because of all the emotions they are experiencing.