First day back to work...blah...that's all I have to say about that.

Tomorrow I have to take my car in to have some work done that can't be put off. This will make me late for work and further empty my wallet. So sad...

Today, a friend sent me an article about coping of the loss of a parent. In it, it says there are 5 steps to grieving:

Shock and denial
Anger
Bargaining and guilt
Depression
Acceptance

Do I have to follow these steps? Cause I think I skipped right over denial; I'm between shock & anger right now. I've yelled at my father twice. The first time was after the Christmas Eve church service, the second was last night after he plugged in something which caused some other electrical thing to not work properly [insert electrician talk here]. Yes, I'm a horrible person.

The article included 10 tips on how to cope:

~ Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way. [check]
~ Let others in your family grieve in their own way, too. [check]
~ Express your feelings about your loss. [uh...having a problem with this one.]
~ Be honest with children about your sadness. [not applicable]
~ Take care of your health. [um...having a problem with this one, too]
~ Keep in touch with people who know how much your parent meant to you. [I don't think this applies to me]
~ Honor your beliefs. [um...ok]
~ Let your manager know what happened. [like he cares]
~ Cherish your memories of your parent. [check]
~ Join an informal support group. [for a fee]
~ Look into grief counseling if the strain becomes unmanageable. [I don't think so]

Really, all I want to do is withdraw. I don't have the energy to be the friend my friends want me to be, and the nature of my friendships is such that if I can't be there for them, then they don't know what to make of this development--it changes the dynamic of the relationship (me listening to their various problems) and they just kind of don't know what to do. It's hard to comfort someone who seems to not need it and, for me, it's easy to fall into the role of seeming to be that kind of person.

If Death is Kind

Perhaps if death is kind, and there can be returning,
We will come back to earth some fragrant night,
And take these lanes to find the sea, and bending
Breathe the same honeysuckle, low and white.

We will come down at night to these resounding beaches
And the long gentle thunder of the sea,
Here for a single hour in the wide starlight
We shall be happy, for the dead are free.

~Sara Teasdale

*hugs*

I was gonna write you about this yesterday. I've noticed a shift. If you want to withdraw for a little bit, go for it. I think the worst thing you could do is repress *whatever* you're feeling (but that does not include repressing ALL your feelings. My Dad has done this for 2 months after the loss of his mother, and it's silently eating him alive.)

I think it's safe to say that none of your friends expect anything of you right now, except for you to take care of yourself. We all just want to help how we can. Tell us how, and we'll jump.

Love you. (((hugs)))

I've heard that those classic stages of grief aren't really seen now as a progression and that you can feel multiple "stages" at the same time. Either way I send you hugs and Wolfie sends you french kisses, french poodle style.

When You are Old

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

WB Yeats

Remember. I love you and will be right by your side, always.

You are way too hard on yourself. I wish I could do something or say something to make everything okay. Just know that all your friends are there for you, and if you need anything..anything at all...you know where to reach me.

Janet, friendships are give and take. You don't always have to be "the kind of friend my friends want me to be". If you need to withdraw, do that. Of course, that doesn't mean I won't check in!

Sending big hugs...

Thinking of you.

You don't always realize just how much Grief is affecting you till you get out of it and look back. It feels like a fog or heaviness that you can't put down to me. There is no timetable or right or wrong way to do this stuff. Get rest, be good to yourself and lean on others and if you need some quiet time for yourself, then take it! Remember how much others (Me) care for you and love you and want to help.

Okay, the ONE good thing about blogging, you can share your feelings without the tiresome-ness of doing it in person as we repeat the proper phrases called for in this situation. Put it out there kiddo cause keeping it in makes you bloat (or so I've heard).

The only kind of friend I want you to be is the Janet kind. If that means you are taking care of tending to you and dealing with your mom's passing, I will take that too. If I seem to gloss over it sometimes it is only because I don't want to push too hard.

Everybody grieves and heals in their own way. If you get lost on the way, remember you have plenty of friends standing by to help you in the right direction, especially me :) I love you.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. My best friend's mom just died a couple days before Christmas and this has been a very hard time for the family. Here from Michele.

It is possible to do those steps out of order, perhaps maybe skipping a step will allow you to go back to that missed step.
I know this is a difficult time for you and I am here for you if you need me.
{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

Do what you need to do for yourself first. We all understand, although understanding what you need is a little harder. My hand is allways out to you for whatever you need.

ok, so i wrote this whole thing to you and i was literally crying and...well my miserable computer froze up-BLAST!!
in short...take your time. smile when you can. and let it out, even just in small ways...you have an awesome group of friends who you help in so many ways just by being you...let them help you back, when it feels right for you...i bet it will make you feel even just the teeniest bit better. but what do i know...sending big hugemongous gadnormous hugs your way...xoxox!